Family Fun Days & Navigating Feeling
March 24, 2014 § 4 Comments
Friday was a hard day. Thankfully we left our appointment to meet my aunt & uncle from Boston at the club. My Dad landed a few hours later. They all scheduled trips when they found out I was pregnant, and in some ways I felt like a huge let down since I am pregnant but…
The truth is I desperately needed the visit and the distraction. My aunt & uncle are some of our favorite people and we laughed so hard with them. We went to Ellis Island, they came and saw the ‘new’ apt (they visited last winter at the old apt.), and we went to the Gospel Brunch at Red Rooster. They were a safe place to laugh and cry, and as much as I don’t want to see or talk to anyone about what’s happening it was wonderful to have them here.
My Dad is staying through tomorrow and we had a nice afternoon of Broadway & beer. He’s entertaining himself today and we’ll meet him for dinner. As much as I want to curl up and sleep until this is over I’m so incredibly thankful to have a safe reason to keep moving.
School doesn’t stop, but it’s not exactly comforting…
Our hearts are full from the love and kindness we’ve received from so many of you. There are moments of loneliness that come in waves simply from the nature of this process. This baby is one of 200 in the world that will be diagnosed with Tri13 this year. I’m about 15 weeks pregnant with a baby that we now know, without a doubt, will not make it. And we don’t know how long this will go on for. We are in a city surrounded by healthy baby girls on every street corner. We’ve seen our little girl 4 times, as much as many couples do in their entire pregnancy. We read and hear people talking casually about what a relief the end of the 1st trimester is… That’s when our heartbreak started. I’m buying bigger clothes and every week hoping to feel better… While the pregnant women around me are making plans for clothes and cribs and celebrating their budding bellies, we are asking ourselves how we handle things when we lose Wright.
I don’t feel at all jealous or resentful – I just feel lost, lonely, and confused. I’m pretty sure it’s the most normal way to feel.
We are continually reminded of those who suffer deep loss, and great tragedy and know that many, many people lose babies and children – spouses and parents – friends and loved ones. We are not unique, but our girl, and our journey are. It’s a difficult tension to allow yourself to appropriately grieve your loss, while maintaining a healthy perspective that while it will end Wright’s future – it will not end ours.
Our hearts are fragile things, and yet I am continually humbled by the weight that they are able to bear.
I’m so thankful for my family that is quick to celebrate us, generous to grieve with us, and courageous enough to encourage us through. We are fortunate people. As we find our way through this strange journey, there are so many rays of light and strength along the way. And for that, I
could not be more grateful.